I am tired.
For the past few weeks, simply getting out of bed has been a larger accomplishment than I would have liked for it to be.
Let alone keeping up with friends and family, blogging, social media, household chores, my spiritual routine, and other necessary responsibilities. Somehow I've been managing to keep up with my client work, so I'm thankful for that, it just takes a bit longer to get things done these days.
Yesterday I saw a quote by Bassey on Twitter:
"I want to get better, not get by."
And I couldn't have worded it better.
I don't know if I'm still "buffering" and in recovery mode from a hectic Spring season, or if this is just a regularly scheduled dip. Given the nature of my bipolar depression, I know the fog will eventually lift, but for me, those brief highs and moments of "okayness" (or even faux wellness), tend to make the lows feel that much lower. Because I know I CAN get out of bed, be productive, and make healthy decisions... so when I can't, it's that much more frustrating.
I know, I haven't yet learned the art of balance and patience with myself... I'm tired of just making it. Tired of not knowing what mood and energy levels will greet me from day to day. Tired of my response being "I'm tired" when someone asks how I'm doing because I'm too tired to even explain how I feel... Tired of having to push through, tired of looking for a "pause" button I can't seem to find.
In the midst of this daily discomfort, I am thankful for the love and support of my God, friends, and family. I haven't been doing a good job of being mindful of my blessings, and I know that will help. I actually know a LOT of things that will help, but finding the energy to do them is the problem. 😕
I haven't given up though, and I guess that's what I have to learn to be okay with for now.